Disclaimer: A lot of this information is individual to me and I do not pretend to be speaking for all providers.
Finding a Provider
When looking for a provider, do a bit of research on them to find out if they’re legitimate. There are a lot of fake ads, sketchy providers and scammers you need to be on the lookout for. This industry attracts a lot of bad people and it is both the client and provider’s responsibility to keep themselves safe. If you live in a place where sex work is criminalized, you have the added burden of avoiding arrest.
As a general rule of thumb, you want to be wary of ads that offer little information and that seem to be good to be true. Directory listings on websites like Leolist are littered with these. Fantastic pictures and really low price? Red flag. Don’t jump the gun. Google their contact information and figure out if they’re active anywhere else. If in doubt, do a reverse image search on their pictures and figure out if they’re really their own. The general life advice of “if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” applies here.
There a lot of horror stories from clients about having gone seen a provider who turns out, at best, to be nothing like their pics or at worst, violent or a cop. Majority of these things can be avoided through screening. Screening is not just for the providers, it is also for the clients. Stop and ask yourself: Why would a person feel comfortable meeting a stranger without knowing anything about them?
For your own safety as a client, you should ALWAYS be twice as wary of providers that require little to no screening. Without a doubt, I guarantee you 99% of the horror experiences clients go through are committed because they went to see a provider that did not screen (just as most horror experiences escorts go through happen because we didn’t screen … see the parallel?).
Think of the following scenarios: A scam artist will not screen because their intention is to get you through the door by all means. A pimp/trafficker only cares about money, and their intentions are to get as many clients as possible. They will not screen because they have little concern for the welfare of their victims. A cop setting up a honeypot sting is trying to arrest as many people as possible in the least amount of time. They, too, will not screen (they can just get your information after arresting you!) A responsible escort, however, will always screen because they want to make sure they are meeting a real person who will not harm them. In a criminalized country, we also screen you to make sure you are not a cop!
In summary, if you want to mitigate the risk of a potential scam artist, trafficking victim, and/or getting arrested, find a provider who screens. I’ve said it a million times and will say it once more: screening benefits both clients and providers. If you choose not to follow any of this advice and take your chances with those who don’t screen, I wish you the best of luck, because you will seriously need it. Just please, whatever you do, don’t be that annoying person who chooses to only think with the small head, and then goes and complains online that he got set up by a shady ad listing as if there were never red flags he chose to ignore.
But Stefania, I am scared to give up my personal information! I don’t want anyone to know I’m seeing escorts! Why do I need to screen? Why can’t you just trust me?
While I am sympathetic and understanding to the hesitation you might have at screening, I’d like you to step back and see the bigger picture. While both parties have something at risk, it is without question the risk escorts carry is much, much heavier than the risk of a client. We remain the low-hanging fruit of all sorts of violent people looking to commit violence against women. Expecting us to meet a man alone in an intimate and risky setting without knowing who he is ludicrous. The worst thing that can ever happen to a client is not even slightly comparable to the worst thing that can happen to an escort. Please help to make us feel comfortable to see you and prioritize our need for safety. (For more information on screening and why we do it, feel free to pop over to my Screening FAQ.)
When looking for a reputable provider, another very important thing to keep an eye out for is the amount of effort they put into their work. Personal websites, professional pictures, active social media accounts and well-written advertisements are normally good signs of a legitimate provider as they require an investment of time and money which most shady people looking to make a quick buck out of you aren’t going to bother with. The places they advertise in are also good representatives. Directories like Leolist provide cheap costs for posting ads, which is why a lot of scammers flock to them. Websites like Slixa are more expensive to advertise in, which serve as a filter for the quality of providers on them. Slixa is even more exclusive as they require the providers who advertise with them to screen with them first. That is to say, they ask us to prove who we are to make sure we are legitimate. Are you starting to see why screening is so important?
I don’t want anyone to take this as me saying that anyone who advertises on Leolist is automatically bad (I advertise on there!), but I am strongly suggesting to be twice as vigilant. Google their contact information and see if they’re active on any other websites. Found a provider on Leolist who also crossposts on Tryst.link and Slixa with a professional website? You’re probably good. Found a provider on Leolist with amazing pictures at 200/hr not active anywhere else, and a 3-sentence advertisement? The red flags should be flashing nice and bright right now.
When NOT to Contact an Escort
Many clients ruin their chances with providers before it even starts because they lack the awareness of knowing when it is and is not appropriate to contact them. I hope to bridge this gap of knowledge through this section.
Generally, you want to avoid contacting an escort unless you are ready to book an actual appointment. Understand we run a business and our time and energy is just as valuable as anyone else’s. If you find a provider you like but aren’t ready to yet book an appointment, resist the temptation to send them a message just to tell them this. If you wouldn’t go out of your way to randomly call a hairdresser you have no intention on seeing just to tell them you like their work but “unfortunately, I do not need a haircut right now!”, give escorts and their business the same regard.
Many escorts will often come off as cold, business-like and/or disinterested in initial correspondence with new clients. This is not because we do not want you as clients -prior experience has shown most of us most people who contact us are not in any way serious about seeing us. Over time, one quickly learns that energy needs to be reserved for people who prove themselves to be serious from the get-go, not the person that maybe is a serious client but just happens to have poor etiquette. The burden of proof that you are a serious client is on YOU, not on the provider – if you want an escort to not pass you over and think you are serious about seeing them, show it through your actions from the very start.
Found a provider you like but have a general question you would really like to get an answer to? Show them you are serious and not a timewaster by backing up your words with actions. I have had clients send me giftcards/money transfers and/or their full screening information along with any questions/comments they might have and this works miracles in standing out from the rest. This shows me they are serious and not just trolling escorts at random trying to get free attention with zero intentions of booking. Use actions, not words!
A common enquiry escorts receive is about travel. I understand how frustrating it must be as a client to find a provider that has grabbed your interest, only to realize they are located quite a distance from you! I can also understand the temptation there is to “innocently” ask them if they would oh-so-ever consider coming to your city, and if they could please let you know if they ever tour to your location?
This is terrible etiquette for many reasons, the biggest one being that it lacks consideration for the high costs involved in touring. Overhead costs for tours are VERY expensive when you take into account flights, accommodations and advertising costs alone. Asking providers to pay out of pocket to come to your location just to make it convenient for you to book is, quite frankly, selfish and short-sighted. If you want to see a provider located outside your home location, the best course of action is to enquire about a Fly-Me-To-You travel booking or, better yet, make a trip out of it and go visit them at their home! If, however, you live in Calgary and happen to like a provider based in Toronto but only want to see them for an hour appointment, spare the poor companion and look elsewhere for someone closer to you.
I should also not forget to note that many escorts have stories of having toured to locations clients had expressed interest in before, only for them to get there and the same clients who begged them to go there ending up ghosting or never booking an appointment. Unless you are serious and ready to back up your desires with solid, immediate actions, leave your “maybe” bookings at home and don’t waste a provider’s time. And definitely don’t be surprised when they treat your empty “desire to book” with skepticism and coldness. Book ONLY when you are fully prepared!
Contacting an Escort
When you are finally ready to book an appointment to see a provider, you want to make sure you are tactful in the way you approach them. Read their ad and/or website thoroughly and see what they need from clients. Escorts deal with a lot of timewasters and rude clients who test our patience on the regular, following their instructions and sending a respectful message with all the information they require will immediately put you ahead of 99% of the crowd (this number is not an exaggeration). First impressions are crucial and you only get one chance.
Most providers take the time to post basic information in their ads/websites like their schedule and rates for YOUR convenience, please READ and do not send a message asking “what are you rates?” or “are you available?” if they already have those answers listed! This is THE #1 escort pet peeve.
Examples of common poor messages:
- “are you available?”
- “what are your rates?”
- “do you do bbbjcim?”
- “hi babe”
- “hi”
- “i am tall fit and handsome not like the other guys you see”
If you send any of the above, don’t be surprised if you receive a snarky reply back (guilty as charged).
Example of an excellent introductory message:
“Hello Stefania, my name is _____. I found your ad listed on ______ and would be interested in meeting you! A little bit about me: I am __ years old and I work in finance. I was born and raised in Vancouver but currently live in Toronto. I enjoyed reading your website and noticed you’d be working downtown on January 18th, would it be possible to meet at 5pm for 2 hours? For your records, my cell number is xxx-xxx-xxx and my screening information is _________ . If you need any more information, please do not hesitate to ask. I look forward to your reply!”
(Feel free to steal that template for yourself – but if you’re specifically trying to book me, please use my booking form!)
Let me just reiterate why this is so important. We get hundreds of messages from people who don’t respect our rules or don’t bother to take the 5 minutes required to read our ads/websites. Dealing with endless dead-end enquiries, answering the same questions with information that is already listed somewhere else and just dealing with the abundance of timewasters out there who have zero intentions of booking our services will eventually wear down even the most patient person on this planet. I am sure I speak for most if not all providers when I say, someone who extends the smallest amount of effort to at least follow our rules and basic booking requirements is like an oasis in an otherwise chaotic storm. Be that guy.
Be respectful of an escort’s screening requirements. Screening methods is one of the most discussed topics in this business, and a huge source of headaches for both clients and providers it warrants a post of its own. For now, all I will say is, respect an escort’s screening methods. This is a very individual thing and up to the provider to determine what they are comfortable with. Some people are comfortable with just a phone number, others need more personal information. It is NOT up to you to decide what is and is not acceptable for a provider to ask for. If a provider asks for something you are not comfortable giving, do not message them trying to negotiate, or at worst, argue with them about it. It is very rude. Move on and find someone else.
Be clear with the booking details in your message. This is just a small pet peeve of mine I know other providers share, but it is always best to be clear with the details of a booking from the get-go. “4 hour date at 6pm on February 10th” is much better than “a few hours in the evening sometime next week.” Believe me, it is easier (and quicker!) to accommodate a booking when none of the details are left ambiguous.
Keep all communication concise. Endless-texting is the biggest issue I’ve heard of providers having with their clients. Most, if not all, providers find it exhausting when clients think they are entitled to excessive free emotional labour off-the-clock. Please be aware of how much you are giving versus how much you are taking. Way too many clients over the years have gone on to waste my time by sending me nonsensical daily emails that clutter my inbox and run me to the ground with the amount of energy they expect from me, the worst when the client rarely, if ever, books actual appointments. I’ve had clients in the past who have only booked one single hour appointment and gone on to spam my email for months and never again book another session. Please be considerate of our time and energy. Respect them just as would any other business professional. If you wouldn’t endlessly message your lawyer/therapist/hairdresser nonsensically in between business meetings, do not do the same to us.
If you really would like the extra-extra attention outside appointments, I do offer texting and emailing packages for purchase. Other providers I know offer similar, or heck, sometimes just sending a nice little gift card to show you appreciate their time is enough. It doesn’t hurt to ask if you’re unsure on your provider’s communication boundaries!
Escort-client relationships are two-way streets. There is, unfortunately, a portion clientele who seek out escorts not for the intimacy and companionship, but for a sick power high off dominating another individual. They seem to treat their money as the leverage to keep escorts in line, expecting all providers to do and say as they please in pursue of their mighty dollar. The implication is always the same: If you do what I want, I will be your client. To these people I have this to say: Get the hell over yourself. These relationships are not one-sided power dynamics where the provider is at the mercy of the client. We are not circus animals on display, acting out tricks while desperately seeking your approval. The decision to allow you to become a regular client is a mutual one and not one left to the client’s mercy. Carrot dangling promises of “becoming a regular” or “if you’re the right person, we can do all these fun and exciting things!” only show me you are an insecure narcissist looking to dominate and not here for a two-sided relationship. I have zero tolerance for abuse and disrespect, and if I get even the slightest gist you’re here to play sick power games, I will immediately end the relationship and blacklist you far and wide as a warning to all my colleagues. I’m not naive enough to expect bad clients to magically become decent human beings through reading this, but I am giving warning that if you’re the type of person who seems to find themselves incapable of behaving properly and respecting the providers you seek to hire, to at least be smart enough and realize certain actions have consequences, and don’t be so surprised when the day comes everyone knows what a jerk-off you are.
Be respectful of an escort’s time. Most escorts require at least a few hours notice, others 24+ hours, again take a look at what kind of notice they ask for. This is very individual. Nothing says to me “I don’t have any consideration for you” more than a message that asks to meet me on my off-day, or a client who seems to think I have no life outside my job and am available 24 hours around the clock. This means that if I post I’m hosting incalls on Thursday, don’t ask me for a half-hour Wednesday incall appointment. If I post I’m working 8am to 10pm, don’t message me drunk at 3am. The only exception to this is if you understand that convenience has a cost. Only in town one day and really want to convince your favourite provider to see you outside their scheduled hours? You better be willing to make it worth their while.
Unless they state they are okay with it, please don’t message an escort at 12:41pm looking for a 1pm appointment. It takes time to screen and get ready for an appointment, and time needs to be set aside for you. Most of us are not sitting around, dressed ready to go, phone in our hands waiting for you to call us. We have other jobs, clients, school, families, chores, and other life responsibilities we are not able to stop at the drop of a hat. Me, personally? Chances are I’m in sweatpants with no make-up on when you send me that “are you available?” text. Plan ahead.
On the same token, if you book an appointment, respect the time. If you need to cancel, for the love of all that is Holy, do not text your provider 10 minutes beforehand, or at worst, ghost them. The time you book is time reserved for you that could have gone to another client. Cancelling with zero regard costs providers precious time and money and is often enough reason for an escort to blacklist you. Different people have different rules on cancellation policies, make sure to ask.
Deposits
This is a very big debate topic in this industry, especially in regards to independent companions. Many companions – myself included – insist on collecting some sort of deposit before finalizing a booking. Why is that so?
Once again, I can only speak for myself here, but I mostly do it for the peace of mind. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that many people in this industry do not respect our time and last minute cancellations / no-call no-shows are very common. Companions often set time aside for their bookings way in advance, and cancellations by clients who were never in any way serious about seeing us can hurt our business quite badly. When this happens enough times, most of us start to get anxious with new bookings, thinking: Is this client actually serious about their booking?
Many of us also incur costs long before meeting a client. We have to book the time off to see you and turn down other appointments, pay for incall rentals, spend money to prepare for our date, and many other things. A deposit helps cement client commitment to their appointment and protect our business so in the case a client decides to cancel last minute, we are not left in the dirt. Many small business owners require deposits for the same reasons – hairdressers, lawyers, contractors and tattoo artists to name a few. Why should a reputable escort be any different? We are small business owners too.
Yes, believe me, I understand there is an anxiety of your deposit being stolen. I am very remorsefully sorry to admit that these kind of incidents do happen in our industry with dishonest and morally bankrupt providers. Many clients, understandably, can be apprehensive about sending deposits because of this. However, this is not exclusive to our industry – many deposit-reliant professionals can run the same risk. I will never advise you to send deposits blindly. I encourage you to do your research as well as you can and determine your level of risk – how reputable is this provider you want to see? How professional does their presentation seem? How much of a deposit are they asking for? Do they seem like they have a lot to lose if they got outed for being scammers? For most of us, stealing a deposit is just not worth it. We make more money actually meeting and retaining you as a client, not ripping off a single partial deposit! This industry is never without risks, and the best any of us can do as clients and providers is minimize the risks involved as much as possible.
Ultimately, I will leave it at this: If you are in any way uncomfortable sending a deposit a provider asks for, resist the temptation to argue with them about it as they likely made this decision for a myriad of personal reasons. I hesitated on asking for deposits for over two years because I knew I would isolate clients hesitant to send them, but eventually the scale tipped for me in that the uncertainty and consequence-free last-minute cancellations were hurting my business too much. If you are finding yourself to be too uncomfortable with the risk that a deposit entails, be respectful and understanding of the reasons providers ask for them, and just move on to someone who fits your personal level of comforts.
Getting Ready for an Appointment
Believe it or not, there is a lot of etiquette involved in meeting an escort, and it is very common for a first-timer to make easily avoidable rookie mistakes. The best course of action to thoroughly prepare yourself for your upcoming date is by researching basic escort etiquette. This tip alone will guarantee you earn yourself a spot in your new friend’s favourite client list! Heed all I am saying and I guarantee they will be gushing about you to all their friends for a long time to come.
If you have enjoyed my writing, please consider showing your appreciation through tipping via Interac eTransfer (xostefania@pm.me), CashApp ($MistressCanada), Paypal (www.paypal.me/xostefania) or purchasing one of the many gift cards on my wishlist. Lots of my time and effort is spent on maintaining these guides.
Providers: If you would like to share this guide on your own website, please credit appropriately by linking directly back to this page and send me an email to let me know.
4 Responses
I was scammed out of a $200 vanilla gift card. Never saw or heard from her again. The next gal I contacted wanted a $100 vanilla deposit which I agreed to but insisted that I hand it to her in person. She refused to meet me but wanted pics of the card front and back. I refused. Why did she not want to meet and accept the card in person? Was it likely a scam? Your answer would be much appreciated.
Hi Roy,
Meeting you in person to deliver any kind of thing prior to a meeting takes up our time and requires effort that is often unpaid. Most of us are unlikely to want to meet anyone in anything but the best version of ourselves, and that requires time getting ready. It’s not worth our time. I would not meet you in person either and request a picture of the card as well, as I always do when collecting deposit in any kind of prepaid card or gift card.
I don’t know who scammed you out of a $200 gift card, but how much research did you really do? Who did you contact? I very much doubt there weren’t glaring red flags you willingly chose to look over.
As my guide says – it is your responsibility to screen your providers and whether you are comfortable following their terms and rules. That is the only thing you are allowed to do. Once you contact us, that is the risk you are choosing to take. That means you have done your homework, decided we are trustworthy or work the risk, and you agree to follow our rules and terms as we dictate. You are not allowed to run the show or set rules for us. No one forces you to contact one of us. If you or someone else approached me and tried telling me they wouldn’t give me a deposit unless by their terms (ie: insisting I meet them in person), I would decline the booking and block you. Do you go to any other business and set terms, telling them you won’t purchase their goods or services unless they go by your terms? No, you do things as they set out. I don’t allow clients to determine how I run my business, I have rules I expect to be adhered to by everyone who chooses to meet me and clients either take it or leave it. Period.
Again: No one forces you to contact one of us. You don’t HAVE to see companions. If you find the risk unbearable, then don’t see us or go find someone you feel more comfortable with. Up your budget and go with someone more reputable. That is all you are allowed to do.
Hi Stefania,
Just want to start off by saying I really appreciate your content and honesty. This was a great read and very helpful to newbies or anyone interested. I would like to get your opinion on a few things. This may end up being a super long post but would really like your thoughts.
You stated the points about being cancelled on or ghosted last minute by clients, and how a deposit or cancellation fee can offset that, and the consequences the client or prospective client may face.
In addition the points about making time for the client, cleaning up, grooming etc are all fair, but I’d like to ask, what happens when the shoe is on the other foot?
Based on what I’ve read from your guides and FAQs, I follow most if not all of your suggestions. I consider myself to be a “good” client. I may not partake in buying expensive gifts, trips, dinners or anything else a “great” client may do, but I do my best. I usually do takeout from a nice restaurant, gifts, chocolate, wine, a book and even lingerie.
Please note that the companions I’m referring to are some of the city’s most popular with an active Twitter, Tryst and Slixa presence, and none of them asked me to provide a deposit, which I would’ve happily done if asked.
I’ve seen a number of ladies over the last few years, and to my knowledge have developed a good relationship with almost all of them. I’ve had multiple dates with most and some even know intimate details about my life and vice versa.
I’ve also had at least three instances over the past few years where these same companions that I’ve developed a relationship with, have canceled on me the same day within a few hours of the date, and in one instance in less than a hour before the scheduled date, and in most cases, for reasons likely not acceptable if the roles were reversed.
Just as a companion carves out time and gets ready etc, I have done the same thing. I’ve cleared my evening, canceled any personal plans, possibly gotten a haircut, cleaned up my place from top to bottom if I’m hosting and even ordered a takeout dinner. I’ve purchased gifts, chocolate, wine, fresh flowers, fresh fruit, fresh desserts etc that has all gone to waste. It’s not just the money that has been spent, it’s the time and effort as well.
A few other times, a time has been agreed upon, and about 30 min before while on the way to the date, I’m asked to push back by half an hour or an hour because of something to do with the incall, transit, traffic etc.
So if it’s a dinner date, the food is going to be cold. If I’ve taken transit to get downtown I now have to wait somewhere till I get the go ahead, and it’s most likely cold outside so keep that in mind as well.
Another time, I booked a late afternoon date and gave my self an hour after the date ended to attend to a personal appointment. About 10 mins to, I get a text asking to push back a hour because they were “silly” and got the time wrong. Because the companion is now an hour late, I’m going to be late to my appointment.
What’s frustrating about this is the manner in which the cancellation or postponement is communicated. It’s a very insincere apology that I just have to accept. I can’t say anything back because then I’m the one who’s blacklisted. I can’t ask for any monetary discount or extra time for their mistake, because again I will likely be blacklisted. And I can’t cancel last minute for fear of, you guessed it, being “blacklisted”.
Another time, a companion I saw 3 times in the space of 6 weeks. She reaches out the morning of to confirm the time for date number four. Now, we’ve had an amazing rapport both emotionally and physically in this short time, hence the frequency of the dates in a limited time period.
I confirm and respond with what I thought was a “playful” comment, which she perceived to be “inappropriate”. She then proceeds to air her frustrations about me over text, and at the end says “If you’re going to be this way, maybe we should just cancel”. I apologized profusely for my transgression but she wasn’t having it. So I agree to cancel because I am thinking I’ve obviously upset her, and there is no point pushing for the date when she has made it clear she is angry and likely has no interest in seeing me. After agreeing to cancel she then demands the cancellation fee.
Why should I provide a cancellation fee, when I’m not the one who wants to cancel? Yes, perhaps the joke was in poor taste but she is still the one pushing for a cancellation, not me. Long story short, we never saw each other again after this.
What’s your take on all this? Do I have a right to at least be frustrated or am I just not as good a client as I think?
Your post sounds fair and in good faith so I want to answer as best as I can.
If they cancel on you last minute and show a lack of professionalism and disregard for keeping their commitments, then just don’t book them again. That’s their loss of business. You most definitely can not demand free time or a discount, it’s in extremely poor taste. They’ve already shown you unreliable behaviour you don’t appreciate, as stated by the reasons it disturbs your schedule. Instead of trying to demand some make-up, I would just move on.
I can not speak for anyone else, but in my case, a deposit cements commitment *both* ways. I’ve been collecting deposits for longer than I haven’t (3+ years), and my regulars have actually told me many times before paying me a deposit actually gives THEM peace of mind that the date is 100% confirmed and happening. I’ve actually had regulars approach me about paying a deposit before I even bring it up, because they want me to know they’re serious and solidify that time as a done deal in my calendar.
Again, I am not every other companion, but I’ve rarely cancelled last minute. The only times I have is usually because I’m sick, and I hate inconveniencing other people’s time because I hate mine being inconvenienced. I hate cancelling more than you hate being cancelled on – for myself and other companions, that’s a loss of income. Most of us have families and mouths to feed, cancellations hurt us twice as much as they hurt you.
Would I be as brass as to suggest you maybe start seeing someone who asks for deposits as a sign of extreme professionalism and someone who takes their commitments seriously? Maybe the people who don’t ask deposits also do it because it doesn’t bother them as much to be cancelled on, as well as doing the cancelling? They have nothing to lose and nothing to tie their commitment to you. If a deposit was paid and they cancelled last minute, there is more on the line for them as well as you. Then you have every right to ask for a refund. Some companions have in their deposit guidelines listed “Deposits are non-refundable unless I am the one cancelling for my own reasons.” That is when you have a clear leg to stand on.
Funny story – I tried to hire a male companion a number of years back, and he didn’t ask for a deposit either. The day of the booking, after I had showered, shaved, and gotten dressed and ready, he ghosted me and left me in the situation youre talking about- my times and effort wasted. The next booking I tried to make, I paid a deposit and it was succesful. I felt SECURITY in the deposit, that the other person was as serious as I was.
Another interesting thing for you to keep in mind – sometimes companions use the strategy to double or triple book the same timeslots. Why? Because clients cancel often, and when there’s no deposits paid, the cancellations are rampant and unforgiving. YOU might keep your appointments despite not being asked to pay a deposit, but you are far from all clients. Some companions book over the same time slots because they know clients often cancel, and it becomes a game of “whoever shows up first.” You could also have been part of this.
Perhaps, for you, you could also try seeing deposits as security, not just for us, but also for you. Why don’t you give it a try? Try seeing a companion who actually is stringent with deposits and see if you find the level of professionalism you experience both in interaction and your time being respected and considered also improves. Then please write me again and let me know how it goes. Because I have a hunch the level of bulls*** you experience will also severely decrease and you’ll have better experiences.